Tonight I was supposed to go to a game night with some ladies from my local LDS church’s Relief Society. I chickened out at the last minute. There is a part of me that really wants to reconnect with this church--the church of my upbringing, the church that my mother still faithfully attends--but yet there is another part that is deeply frightened of the prospect. Perhaps the thing to do is make a short list of everything I’ve been fearing about the reconnection, thus bringing those fears into the light. Fears tend not to survive in the light but breed like rabbits in the dark, so here goes:
- I am worried I will be reminded too much of an abusive situation I was in with an LDS man--not that his being LDS was the reason he did the things he did, or that the church sanctioned what he did in any way, but it was a big part of his identity nonetheless.
- I am worried that if I do reconnect with Jesus, somehow I will have to give away all the deep connections with the Divine Feminine I have made in the five years I have been away from the church.
- What I really want is to have a connection with the church that helps me fellowship with good people, have the power and provenance to do tangible good in the community and celebrate the masculine Divine Mysteries while maintaining my spiritual investment in those same Mysteries as they are associated with the Goddess. I fear I will not be able to achieve this balance. I fear that one side or the other will demand my total fealty to the exclusion of all else. I fear that remaining in the middle will cut me off from both sides completely.
That’s the crux of it I suppose--the fear that I can’t have both in my life and honor them equally--that I have to give up the good of the one for the good of the other even though they are not truly opposed. LDS doctrine makes no bones about the fact that there is a Heavenly Mother--so why is this worry so heavy on my heart? I truly don’t know.
I plan on attending church on Sunday, which is a little less scary as it is a little more anonymous than a purely social gathering like the one planned for tonight. I’ll keep you posted on how some of these worries play out.
Blessed by the Mystery,
I thought the picture was appropriate as "CTR" in LDS parlance stands for "Choose the Right," which is exactly what I am attempting to do.
I just included this 'cause I like the "pp"