Call Out the Calvary! I'm Goin' Nucular Cacalating the Heighth of Political Peeves

Last night my partner and I had a ball watching the Republican debate in Las Vegas. In our house politicking season sounds a lot like sports seasons sound in other houses--my partner yelling "Boo-ya!" and "Slam dunk!" at the screen and me, after an excellent parry, "He just flattened him man, just totally flattened him!" In particular though, last night's debate was special because it helped crystalize in my mind at least six things that will always keep me from voting for any candidate, no matter what their political affiliation. In that vein, I offer the following open letter:


Dear 2012 Presidential Hopefuls,

I heretofore vow that I will never vote for you if you meet any of the following criteria:

1. You repeatedly and purposely drop your "g" so as to appear more folksy. "I'm thinkin' we need to get these people back to workin'!"
2. Use a "th" where no "th" should be, as that is the "height(h)" of ignorance.
3. Say "pundint" instead of "pundit." If you add that extra "n," you deserve whatever they say about you.
4. Say "Calvary" instead of "cavalry." We already know you're evangelical and have Jesus on the mind, you don't have to grammar stammer over it.
5. Prove that you are in no position to handle this nation's economy because you "cacalate credick" rather than "calculate credit."
6. Say "nucular" instead of "nuclear" and attempt to pass it off as an accent thing rather than an idiot thing.

Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Michele Bachmann, Barack Obama and Sarah Palin--you have all been put on notice! As it is your job to speak in public, you must also consider it your job not to sound like a fool.

Most Sincerely,
-M. Ashley

PS
Well, I guess I'm not going to make my goal of posting every day in October for National Blog Writing Month. I've been physically out of it the last several days and just couldn't get my fingers pumping on the keyboard. Still, I'm proud of myself as this October has so far been my most prolific blogging month ever. In the spirit of celebration then, I get right back up on that blogging horse and ride...

PPS
As always, I just included this 'cause I like the "pp"

PPPS
Special thanks to BFF Angela McKinney who pointed out "cacalate." Your friendship "credick" is always good with me!