The Hero's Deepest Wound: A Veterans' Day Post for My Father

My father did not turn out to be a good man.

He was a brilliant child--he got fabulous grades, could play the guitar by ear, and, by the time he went to high school, he was a champion runner. But somewhere between his horrific childhood home life and his time serving as a naval corpsman during the Vietnam War, he did not, as I said, turn out to be a good man.

With a false glee, my dad used to tell the story of how, coming home one day after a high school track meet--which he won and which none of his family attended--he found that his family had moved without him. At sixteen, he wandered the desert streets of California’s “Inland Empire” for six days looking for them. When he finally found them--his raging alcoholic father, his promiscuous mother and all eight of his siblings squatting in some rathole by the tracks in Fontana, they laughed at him and told him he must have been very stupid to have taken so long.

My mother tells the story of my dad enlisting in the navy and, in the process of getting all his papers together, found the last name on his birth certificate did not match the last name of the abusive alcoholic he had grown up thinking was his dad. When he confronted his mother about this she acted nonchalant and said, “Oh yeah, your real father’s last name was Wyss--he worked at some tire plant...I think.”

Then, in the navy, my dad served as a corpsman--officially a medic with the navy but traveling on the ground with the marines seeing to the dead and dying. Once, when I was thirteen, he dug his duffel out of the garage and showed me his gas mask, his boots with a bayonet hole in the toe and, most proudly, his white medic’s tunic still stained with the blood of some marine or other whose name, face, and fatal injuries he had long since forgotten.

All of this is to say that my dad had every right in this and any other world to be completely and totally screwed up--and he was. His depression kept him from ever holding a steady job. His anxiety led him to a devastating Valium addiction. His outwardly acted, self-hating, power-needy PTSD led him to violence and the alienation of both his daughters. All of these things together led him to die absolutely alone on March 1, 2009.

My dad was a brilliant, strong, heroic young man who valiantly served his country and the many, many young soldiers who died in his arms. I tell this story not to detract from the honorable things he did--because they are many--but I tell it to make a plea to Ares, Apollon and any of you who may know and/or love a similarly brilliant but tormented young soldier--that you may help them to heal--that the brilliance and honor may not turn into madness and ignominy.

And for those, like my father, who have already passed, send your prayers with them that in the Kingdom of Hades--in the gray Fields of Asphodel--they will be welcomed as the heroes they are and be given the courage they need to fight one more battle in that place--the battle to reclaim themselves from the terror they knew and had become.

Esto.

Blessed by the Mystery,
-M. Ashley

Mormon Hellenic Pagan: Do Such Creatures Really Exist?

I'm feeling a little hangdog tonight. My partner and stepson are out "occupying" the University of Oklahoma and I'm here at home alone licking my wounds from what was a real crap-e diem. It was very tempting to skip tonight's post, but I did make a commitment for National Blog Writing Month to post every day in October, so I decided to show up despite not having a whole lot to say--well, despite having a lot to say and not a whole lot of energy to say it.

Here is what has been weighing most heavily on my mind lately:

As per several of my previous posts, I am still having a major internal struggle between feeling like a Hellenic Pagan and also like a Mormon--feeling drawn to both paths simultaneously and having no idea how to begin reconciling them or even sorting out all the emotions this struggle is bringing up. Suggestions on how to proceed with this would be much appreciated as, at the moment, I am feeling very lost.

I go to bed each night and wake up each day thinking about this, wondering what my next step should be. I don't want to be a Mormon and forgo all the things I love in Hellenism. For example, how could I give up devotion to Hestia after her presence has been so alive in my home and heart for the past two years? On the other hand, I don't want to be a Hellene and have to renounce the things I have testimony of in Mormonism like eternal progression, achievable godhood and the personal bond and sealing to the Spirit of Truth I received at baptism that has been a constant guide, comforter and companion.

How can I feel so deeply connected with two paths apparently so removed from one another? What is going on in my soul that it would call me to two places at once? I don't know. I feel torn and have no idea how to begin the mending process.

May the good Gods and good people in my life help guide me toward an answer.

Blessed by the Mystery
(even when it doesn't feel like a blessing),
-M. Ashley

PS
The picture for this post is an original watercolor by yours truly. I painted it in my dorm room at Vanderbilt University right after a tornado hit downtown Nashville in 1998. I know it isn't Picasso, but even after all these years, I'm still pretty fond of it and I think it expresses the emotions of the night rather well.

Hubris? Meet 2x4.

Let me get this out of the way right off the bat--I consider myself a Hellene but I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a hardcore reconstructionist. I am a revivalist.

In that vein:

Although I have a deep respect for reconstructionists of any stripe, there is a certain attitude among most Hellenic recons that does not sit well with me and is one of the primary reasons I do not count myself among their ranks. A good many recons I have come in contact with tend to ascribe to the notion that it is necessary to fear and appease the Gods in order to please them. I have no doubt this was a part of the ancient mindset. My partner and I were watching an episode of Carnivale last night that featured a horrendous dust-bowl storm. I thought, "If you didn't have the technology to know better, how could you not attribute something like that to angry Gods?" But, the thing is, we do have the technology to know better now--to know that natural disasters are either Gaia doin' her thing to sustain and renew herself or us screwing that process up. So why do some Hellenic recons still approach the Gods as if their worship will abate the storm? Why must we hold on to the ancient belief that we worship the way we worship mainly to keep the Gods from squashing us?

In the eyes of the Gods, I believe it is more offensive to hold onto this attitude when they have inspired us with the means to know better. Perhaps it was OK for the ancients to approach them that way because it gave them some comfort in a world to which they were extremely vulnerable--but what purpose does it serve now to attribute, say, devastating tornadoes to Zeus and allow the fear of same to distance our hearts from him?

But then, I am apparently very liberal about this sort of thing--believing that, in reality, it is almost impossible to offend the Gods unless you allow hubris (your perfectionism, your intellect, your fear), to keep you from a sincere and consistent practice, (a topic on which I wrote an entire post here).

Look, the Gods know you--every gritty little Earth-bound nook and cranny. Attempting to hide these from them is foolish on the face of it and will severely handicap your relationship with them. Yes, it is good and respectful to wash in the khernips before ritual or prayer, but you must come to that prayer with both of your washed hands open--holding nothing back--not even the unwashed parts, inside and out.

I speak these things passionately because I have been guilty of them and I know firsthand how a raging, arrogant perfectionism can strangle a meaningful relationship with the Gods.  Many are the times I have needed, and received, a solid whack upside the head with a spiritual 2x4 when I have allowed that hubris, or worries over “not getting it right”, to get between me and my Gods and stop us from talking.

I have discovered that If we humbly open ourselves up and keep calling upon the Gods, it will be given to us what it is they require of us, and usually it isn’t much except to stay in touch and honor the gifts they have bestowed.

Blessed by the Mystery,
(and the spiritual 2x4)
-M. Ashley

Goddess Hestia: Love in Our Lives, Light in Our Hearts

It's a lovely, rainy day outside today. My partner and stepson are lazing on the couch--one on the computer, the other blissfully watching an action movie and munching on purple grapes. Our fifteen-year-old Siamese is keeping vigilant watch nestled into the cushions behind them while our younger tuxedo cat stalks and slinks through the boxes in the storage space under the stairs. On the floor at my stepson's feet are two dogs: One, red and hairy, rescued from the pound seven years ago, sprawls on his back contemplating the ceiling, while the other, black and white beagle mix, sits upright, adoring, secretly praying he may reap the juicy windfall of an errant grape. I am sitting in my soft, oversized chair, writing, with a tiny gray dog asleep and snoring on my left knee. Soon it will be time to make an autumn Sunday peasant feast--roast with potatoes, green beans and apple bread for dessert. 

This is our perfectly imperfect happy home. This is the foundation we walk upon. This is the love in our lives and the light in our hearts. This is the warmth of our hearth that radiates within and without. This is the spirit of the Great Goddess Hestia--she who is first and last among all the Gods.  

Invocation to Hestia

Hail Hestia,

Ancient hearth Mother

Goddess of the Spiritual Flame,
You who are first and last,

We thank you for your constant love and care.

We ask that you come and dwell here.

Make of our home your home.

Make of our hearth your hearth.

Make of our temple your temple.

Make of our hearts one heart, your heat.

Hail Hestia!

Blessed by the Mystery,

-M. Ashley

Second Harvest Rite to Demeter and Dionysos

The following is a ritual I developed to celebrate the Autumn Equinox by honoring Demeter and Dionysos as the Great Mother and Father of our physical and spiritual sustenance.  Enjoy!

Second Harvest Rite to Demeter and Dionysos
Originally Written for Autumn Equinox 2010

You Will Need:
Hestia candle
Icons of Demeter and Dionysos
A candle for each Demeter and Dionysos
Large bowl
Grapes
Athame
Bell
Feast dishes (provided by participants)

Officiants:
Priestess of Demeter (lady of the house)
Priest of Dionysos (man of the house)
Priest/ess of Hestia
Priest/ess Panagia
Heirophantid of Demeter (youngest girl)
Heirophant of Dionysos (youngest boy)


-all gather in a semi-circle before the altar holding their dish for the feast, except for Priestess Panagia who holds the bowl of grapes for ritual-

-Priest/ess of Hestia approaches altar-

We begin this rite by calling Hestia who is first and last among all the Gods, who is Goddess of hearth and temple fire, of the spiritual center of our world and of all sacred places.

-lights central flame-

Hestia, beloved goddess of the spiritual flame, come and make all that is here holy and sacred in your name. Bring to us the peace and sureness of home and hearth. Bring your purity and beauty to us as we honor you who are the center of the spiritual flame. So mote it be.

-Priestess Panagia approaches the altar and faces the group-

At this time we will make our offerings to the Lord and Lady. Each in your family group place your dish for the feast on the altar with these words: “For Demeter and Dionysos this sacred offering to honor the Mother and Father of all.”

-Priestess Panagia places the bowl of grapes in the center of the altar in front of the Hestia flame. Each group places their feast dish around the table and recites the offertory words-

-Heirophantid of Demeter approaches altar, rings bell and says-

Now we will call the Mother Goddess who is Queen of the golden harvest. She is known as Demeter and by many other names as well.

-Priestess of Demeter approaches the altar-

Lady of all good harvests, our stores are filled again with your generous bounty. O you who are the blessings of earth, who sustains both body and spirit, hail!

-lights the Goddess candle from Hestia’s flame-

Beloved Demeter, you spin out your magic from the mysteries of the seed, bringing us the miracle of life and growth. The riches of the orchard and cultivated field are all born of your power and so we honor the Great Mother of the land. O mother of life, we were born from the infinite seeds of creation and live through the powers of earth. Our spirits rise with your beauty for you are everywhere, in every broad meadow and mountainside, in every lovely field and flower, and in every living and growing thing Today at the blessed Autumnal Equinox, the ending of the second harvest, we honor you, bringing you offerings and praising your name. We thank you for all that you give
and ask that you come and bless this rite with ease and joy. So mote it be!

-Priestess of Hecate approaches the altar, retrieves the athame from the bowl of grapes and turns to face participants-

By Hecate’s blade, the grain was separated from the earth so that the threshing could begin. It is fitting then that at the ending of the second harvest, when seed shall be separated from chaff, for us to note anything we no longer want in our lives and from which we wish to be separated. We approach the altar and raise the blade, praying aloud or silently for whatever it is that might be beneficial for you to be separated from, that it be done so now.

Begin with the words, “By her blade...” When you are done, breathe upon the blade. End with the words “Hail Hecate!” then place the blade back on the altar and return to the circle.

-Priestess of Hecate begins the ritual of the blade which proceeds until all are done-

-Priest of Dionysos approaches the altar-

Now we shall honor the Father God known as Dionysos and by countless other names who, at the Spring Equinox, the time of sacred planting, loved the Mother Goddess in the thrice-plowed field to ensure the bounty of the land.

-lights God candle-

Sacred one of both forest and field, from your own untamed spirit did you receive and then impart the liberation of the wild that lay the foundation for our deepest joy and pleasures, and, as emissary of the Great Mother, from August Demeter did you receive and then impart the arts of agriculture that lay the foundation for civilization. And so we honor you. So mote it be!
-Heirophant of Dionysos approaches altar-

Wise and Wild One, it is with food stores set aside that we may enjoy the luxury of time
in which to pursue our loves with your ecstatic abandon, in which to glorify the museswith your gifts of music, dance, drama, poetry and art, and in which we may honor the Gods with joyous festivals and celebrations. These are the blessings that you, Dionysos, in concord with Her, have given to all of humanity.

Priest of Dionysos:

Treasured God Dionysos, we thank and honor you as we bless this sacred place in your name. So mote it be.

-Priest of Dionysos uncovers the grapes, faces the group and gestures to them-

Grapes, warmed by solar light and nourished by the bosom of the Earth, have long been a symbol of wisdom and passion combined. It is fitting then that at the time of the second harvest, when we enjoy this sacred fruit in its abundance, that we note the abundance in our own lives and pray for abundance in harvests yet to come.

Now we will each approach the altar praying aloud or silently in thanks for what we have and supplication for what we desire, that it be done so now. Begin with the words “By his vigor...” When you are done, choose a single grape. End with the words, “Hail Dionysos...” then pass the grape over His flame before partaking of it.

-Priest of Dionysos begins the rite and each participant follows until all are finished-

-Heirophant of Dionysos fills a cup for each person and offers a toast-

Raise your glasses! Filled with gifts, the chalice of plenty overflows with good fortune. How blessed are we who love and honor the Goddess and God. May we drink from the royal cup! So mote it be.

-Priestess of Demeter and Priest of Dionysos approach altar and face the group-

Priestess of Demeter:

These are the rites of the second harvest and they are now complete in grace and joy.

Priest of Dionysos:

May her blessings proceed unto all. Now, on to the feast!

-Heirophantid of Demeter rings bell joyfully-

Circle Casting for the Hellenic Witch

After performing my last few rituals without casting a circle or having much buildup at all, I have begun to realize the importance of doing it--less I think for creating sacred space in the physical plane--as I believe all the world is automatically sacred space--but more for creating sacred space in your own mind, body and spirit--to give you a bit of a running start before making the leap into the sacred work. In that vein I offer here a Hellenic circle casting incorporating the Orphic Hymns. Enjoy!

 Casting the Circle:

• Gather all objects and implements necessary for the ritual or magic that is to be performed and lay them on the altar according to the plan shown in this book.
• With the besom, sweep an area large enough to lie down and stretch out in. Visualize all negativity being removed from the space, leaving the area you are to use for your circle clean, pure, and glowing. 
• Light the Hestia candle or lamp which is placed at the center of the altar

Daughter of Rhea, Venerable Guardian of the Unwearying Flame,
this supplicant come before you now is yours-
-a mystic much blessed and holy.
The Gods have fixed their dwelling place in you,
strong, stable basis of the mortal race,
many-formed, eternal, laughing, blessed, lovely Queen, ever Scarlet One.
Accept these rites,
accord to each of us our just desires, gentle health, and needful goodness.
Hail Hestia!

• Place elemental representations at each cardinal point of the circle. At north, a bowl of salt; at east, a censer with lit incense; at south, a lit red candle; and at west, a bowl of water.
• Turn to the east, to the incense, and touch the point of the athame to it,

By the power my beloved Theoi, the Spirits of Nature, my ancestors and myself, 

I bless this incense. Esto!

• Repeat this blessing for all four elemental representations, moving from one to another in a clockwise direction.
• Stand facing east, athame at waist level, point facing out. Turn to the right and create the circle by walking around its perimeter and saying:

Here is the boundary of this sacred circle.
Naught but light shall enter herein,
naught but light shall emerge from within.
By the power of my beloved Theoi, the Spirits of Nature,
My ancestors and myself, Esto!

• Having returned to the east point, take up the incense and cense the perimeter of the circle, walking deosil and returning the censor to its place.
• Turn to the south and walk the candle around the circle deosil, then the water, and finally the bowl of salt, sprinkling just a bit around the perimeter. Sense the purifying of the circle, sense the creation of energy and sacred space.
• Standing at the east point of the circle and facing east, hold your hands up to the heavens and say:

Hail and welcome spirits of Air,
Chief among you Zephyros,
sweet West Wind who grants rest to weary labor,
A scent of grass and gentle song,
Oh vernal Wind, You bring to the delighted ships,
Impelled by You through the profound Sea, 
perusing with prosperous Fate Their destined course,
Zephyrs, unseen, formed from Air with wings of light,
With blameless breath regard Your supplicant's prayer.
I call upon you now
and ask you to attend this circle,
to give to it of your light and will,
to witness, to protect, and to consecrate
the work done herein.
Charge it by your power I pray.
Esto!

• Turn to the south, hold your hands up to the heavens and say:

Hail and welcome spirits of fire
Chief among you the Primal Fire.
O Primal Fire, ascend to us and rule the sky.
Aethereal Fire, radiant heat that inspires life,
Light Bearer, Power of Stars, 
Cause now the blooming of the iris and the rose,
And to the grain be kind,
Hear our prayer of supplication,
And be thou ever innocent, serene, and gentle to our Land.
 call you now
and ask you to attend this circle,
to give to it of your light and will,
to witness, to protect, and to consecrate
the work done herein.
Charge it by your power I pray.
Esto!

• Turn to the west, hold your hands up to the heavens and say:

Hail and welcome spirits of water,
Chief among you Leucothea
Powerful Goddess in the mighty deeps,

the profound sea Your home,

Reveling in the waves.
Guardian of mankind who delivers ships from the fury of the storm 


when all is lost and strength is gone,


When tempests overwhelm the mariner with rushing waters,


Your heart is touched with pity,


And You hear the supplicant's prayer,


Sparing the lives of those who run upon the sea.
Be present Goddess, and bring prosperity to the ships, 

defend Your mystics upon the stormy oceans,


And conduct them safely to their destined end.
I call you now
and ask you to attend this circle,
to give to it of your light and will,
to witness, to protect, and to consecrate
the work done herein.
Charge it by your power I pray.
Esto!

• Turn to the north, hold your hands up to the heavens and say:

Hail and welcome spirits of Earth,
Chief among you Gaia
Source of Gods and Mortals,
All-Fertile, All-Destroying Mother of All,


Who brings forth the bounteous fruits and flowers,


All variety, Maiden who anchors the eternal world in our own,


Immortal, Blessed, crowned with every grace,


Deep bosomed Earth, sweet plains and fields fragrant grasses in the nurturing rains,


Around you fly the beauteous stars, eternal and divine,

Come, Blessed Goddess, and hear the prayers of Your child,


And make the increase of the fruits and grains your constant care,

with the fertile seasons Your handmaidens,

Draw near, and bless your supplicant.
I call you now
and ask you to attend this circle,
to give to it of your light and will,
to witness, to protect, and to consecrate
the work done herein.
Charge it by your power I pray.
Esto!

• Turn clockwise until you are standing facing the altar. Hold your hands up to the Heavens and say (You may replace this general invocation with one specific to the deities of the ritual):

I call to the Theoi, all the Goddesses and Gods!
Eos, Helios, and Silver Selene,
all the Powers of the shining sky.
Thetis, Triton, and Amphitrite Queen,
all the Powers of the salty seas,
Khloris, Ploutous, and the Horai of Time,
all the Powers of the growing world.
To the Khthonioi who rule below:
Hekate, Persephone, and the Lord of the Dead.
To the Titanes who stood with Order:
Themis, Leto, and Mother Rhea.
To the Apotheothenai whose deeds won divinity:
Heracles, Asklepios, and Beloved Ariadne.
And to the Olympians, the Greatest of all:
Royal Hera, Heaven’s Queen; Goddess of Sovereignty;
Protectress of Women and Blesser of Marriage,
Lord Poseidon, ruler of the seas,
Earthshaker, Horse Tender, Securer of Safe Voyage,
Rich-haired Demeter, Goddess of Grain; Nourishing, Bountiful;
Sender of Gifts and Bringer of Seasons,
Golden Aphrodite, Ruler of Night;
Shapely, Heavenly Goddess of love and fertility;
Mistress of passion and needful desire; Lover of laughter and festivity,
Brazen Ares, Spear-Wielding, Shield-Piercing Destroyer;
Bloody, Mighty, Courageous God of Battles,
Beautiful Artemis, Untamed Huntress, Queen of the Beasts, Warrior of the Wilds; Goddess of Girlhood and Leader of the Dance, Helper in Childbirth,
Shining Apollon, Leader of the Muses;
Far-shooting, Far-seeing God of Oracles;
Brilliant Healer and Protector of Youths,
Grey-Eyed Athene, Maiden of War and Wise counsel,
Defender of Cities; Weaver, Worker and Goddess of Industry,
Renowned Hephaistos, Master of Fire and Shaper of Metals,
Resourceful, Ingenious God of many Crafts,
Glorious Hermes, Divine Messenger and Guide of Souls,
Eloquent, Crafty, God of Travel and Trade;
Patron of Athletes;  Protector of Herds and Flocks,
Ivy-Crowned Dionysos, Lord of the Vine,
Frenzied and Howling, Twice-born Giver of ecstasy, release, and primal catharsis,
God of Indestructible life,
Beloved Hestia, Keeper of the Hearth, Mistress of the Flame of family and sacrifice; Sacred center of home and community—Receiver of offerings both first and last.
To all the Theoi, Great Goddesses and Gods, Deathless Blessed Ones.
Theoi, I call you now
and ask you to attend this circle,
to give to it of your light and will,
to witness, to protect, and to consecrate
the work done herein.
Charge it by your power I pray.
Esto!

• The circle is now cast, consecrated, empowered, and sealed.

Releasing the Circle:

• Once the rite is ended, face east, hold your hands up and say:

Hail and farewell spirits of air
and beloved Zephyros
I thank you for your presence here.
Go in power and in peace,
And know that you are always welcome here.

• Repeat this formula for each cardinal point, substituting the appropriate names and directions.
• Turn clockwise until you face the altar. Hold you hands up to the heavens and say:

Hail and farewell
Beloved Theoi all.
I thank you for your presence here.
Go in power and in peace,
And know that you are always welcome here.
Esto!

• Take up the athame. Stand at the east point and, holding the athame at waist level, pierce the wall of the circle with its blade. Move deosil around the circle visualizing its power being sucked back into the knife. Literally pull if back into the blade and handle.
• When you arrive at the east again, the circle is no more. Stand at the center of what was your circle and say:

May this circle be open
but never broken
Esto!

• Clap your hands. The circle is now open.